Haunted

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Trailing

As we move, we leave bits and pieces behind. A smile, a frown, a laugh, some tears. These can all be left behind in our wake. 

What do you leave behind?

Invisible

I want to dance and not be invisible.

The trees are still and calm but I am moving and fluid.

I want to be red in a sea of green and brown.

I want...

I want.

Breathe

There is beauty all around us. Breathe it in.

Just breathe.

Great

I want to make a great speech. I want it to be moving and funny; inspiring but not preachy; and clever but still solemn. I want it to hit home. I want to convey so many things; I want to talk about struggle and triumph, life and love, and home and family. 

But all I can think of tonight is how I hate this oddly growing subculture that is developing all around me. I think we have become a generation of complainers. We glamorize pain and anger to the point where all we do is complain. We thrive on the attention; on the sympathy it brings. 

It is pathetic. Pathetic and stupid. Being happy is not due to circumstance; it is a conscious decision a person should make on a regular basis. 

There are times in our lives that will require great sadness and anger. A death of a loved one, a loss of a great human figure, a life-altering injury. But those things are, thankfully, very few and far between. We cast a shadow on the days that we have to be happy with passionate complaints over a mistaken drink order, a careless driver, or a trivial argument with a family member. We are choosing to miss out on the best days of our lives. We are choosing to ignore all we have because we would rather be angry or sad. We would rather the satisfying attention and sympathy gained from an idle complaint than to to truly enjoy the days we have here on this Earth.

We are wasting our lives. We are not so much letting each moment that could hold so much joy pass us by as we are forcing any joy we might feel out of hearts in order to find that one, small, faint shadow of a complaint that we can grab hold of and allow it to carry up through our day. A dreary, gloomy cloud we choose to be, because that is what will bring us the most attention.

Pathetic. Sad and unbelievably stupid. 

What great fools we have become.

[G Image search for Great}

Purple

Picked up my cap and gown today. Apparently purple is the color of jurisprudence. 

Who knew?

Lightning

May flowers are opening

And leaves unfolding free;

There are bees in every blossom

And birds on every tree.

The sun is gladly shining,

The stream sings merrily,

And I only am pining

And all is dark to me.

O cold, cold is my heart!

It will not, cannot rise;

It feels no sympathy 

With those refulgent skies.

Dead, deas is my joy,

I long to be at rest;

I wish the damp earth covered

This desolate breast.

If I were quite alone,

It might not be so drear,

When all hope was gone;

At least I could not fear.

But the glad eyes around me

Must weep as mine have done,

And I must see the same gloom

Eclipse their morning sun.

If heaven would rain on me

That future storm of care,

So their fond hearts were free

I'd be content to bear.

Alas! As lightning withers

The young and aged tree,

Both they and I shall fall beneath

The fate we cannot flee. 

{G Image search for Lightning}

Broken Wing

In dungeons dark I cannot sing,

In sorrow's thrall 'tis hard to smile:

What bird can soar with broken wing?

What heart can bleed and joy the while?

{G Image search for Broken Wing}

Emily Bronte

Now that law school is over (fingers crossed since grades aren't released until Friday), I have time to do some pleasure reading. I recently picked up a dusty collection of poetry from Emily Bronte that I have had on my shelf for months. 

I know her most famous work is Wuthering Heights, and I have actually never read it. Bad English major, I know. But I think her poetry is lovely, and very sadly overlooked by the majority of classic literature readers.

Some of my favorite passages:

Alas! as lightning withers 

The young and aged tree,

Both they and I shall fall beneath

The fate we cannot flee

---

The damp strands in the long, green grass

As thick as morning's tears;

And dreamy scents of fragrance pass

That breathe of other years.

---

They weep- you weep- it must be so;

Winds sigh as you are sighing;

And Winter pours its grief in snow

Where Autumn's leaves are lying.

Yet they revive, and from their fate

Your fate cannot be parted,

Then journey onward, not elate,

But never broken-hearted. 

{G Image search for Emily Bronte gave the image above}

Lemonade

I want to like lemonade more than I do. I wouldn't be able to drink tap water without the Crystal Light lemonade flavoring in it, so that's good. I just don't enjoy the taste so much. I'm not sure why. But drinking more water =  always good. I really need to stay hydrated. I don't drink nearly enough water. It's gotten to the point where my hands hurt in the shower because my palms become so dry. Sad, I know.

I need to do more of the Vaseline with gloves on routine, but it's so difficult to cover up any more of my body than absolutely necessary in this heat. Wearing gloves seems so stifling and puts a damper on my rest. Bleh. 

I like this picture though. Suitable for the way the weather has been lately. Bright and cheery. Too hot, but cheery.

{G Image search for Lemonade gave the above result}

Kelly Clarkson

Just got her new CD for the birthday. Not bad so far; need a few more listens before I can really make a solid comment on it. Doesn't seem like it has a solid ballad on it though, which I really miss. I love her ballads.

I really like this picure of her. She has gained crazy weight lately, poor thing. But she still rocks it.

{G Image Search for Kelly Clarkson, obvs}

Birthday

Turned 25 yesterday. Happy Birthday to me.

So much to celebrate. Trying to focus on that and not on all the things I have to worry about.

{G Image search for Birthday gave above result}

Screwed

I am so screwed.

Control

I am losing control. I am terrified. There are some days when I feel like I can't lift my head up from this downward spiral.

It's a mad sinking feeling; forever heading down, and I am about to hit the bottom.

Help.

Work

It feels good to have work. I like knowing there is a job waiting for me after finals are done. Though the pay is paltry; it is a job. And it will pay the rent for the next few months.

After that, well. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

{G Image search for Work yielded the photo above}

Finality

Oh, finals. They strike fear in the hearts of students everywhere. Such a strong connotation of finality in the word. It is the final opportunity to prove your worth, after all.

You go in, type or write as fast as you can for one hour, two hours, three hours. You leave it all on the paper, on the screen. You pour out everything you have forcefully stuffed into your brain.

Then you wait a few days, weeks. Nervous and awful waiting. Until you get the results.

Then you cry or smile. Or just sigh and be satisfied with being mediocre.

Are you worth more than most people? Less? Or are you just ordinary in every possible way?

What is your worth?

What is mine?

{Image found doing a G Image search for Finality}

Upward

After the past few weekends, things must start looking upward in my relationship. They just...must.

I am severely depressed today. But tomorrow will be better. I have decided this; it will happen.

Time to sleep away the sadness.

G Image search for Upward result above.

Exhausted

I have been outlining for Copyright Law since I got home from work. Short breaks here and there, but now it is almost 3:30 am. I have been up since 6 am. I am exhausted. I am very nearly done and am making constant typing mistakes; so I think this is a good time to stop and call it a night.

In the midst of all the cases and law I am combing through tonight, I find myself often wondering why people in my life are not more supportive of me. I hate being distracted from studying with sad, nagging thoughts like that.

Sleep now. Hopefully my a few hours rest will clear my mind.

(Image found when G Image searching for Exhausted)