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You're Not There

It's easier now

To pretend you're not there.

Ignore ignore ignore.

And without you here or there, I believe what I think.

There is no one here

To change my mind.

It is dangerous, this gift.

This Is What I Don't Love You Feels Like

So this is how it ends
This is where it all goes down
This is what "I don't love you" feels like

It ain't the middle of the night
And it ain't even raining outside
It ain't exactly what I had in mind
For goodbye

At a red light in the sunshine
On a Sunday
Nothin' to say
Don't even try

Some are comin' home
Some are leavin' town
While my world's crashin' down
On a Sunday
In the sunshine
At a red light

I thought she was gonna say
Somethin' about that couple kissin'
Crossin' the street
Or somethin' about this beautiful day

But she just looked me in the eye
Said it's over
Didn't try to lie
Or pick a fight
I might have seen it comin' thata way

But at a red light in the sunshine
On a Sunday
Nothin' to say
Don't even try

Some are comin' home
Some are leavin' town
While my world's crashin' down
On a Sunday
In the sunshine
At a red light

There's a momma calmin' down a little baby
In the backseat in front of me
There's an old man dressed in his Sunday best
Just waitin' on green
But I can't see, gettin' past

This red light
In the sunshine
On a Sunday
Nothin' to say
Don't even try

Some are comin' home
Some are leavin' town
While my world's crashin' down
On a Sunday in the sunshine
(at a red light)

At a red light in the sunshine
On a Sunday
Nothin' to say
Don't even try

Some are comin' home
Some are leavin' town
While my world's crashin' down
On a Sunday
In the sunshine
At a red light

Let Go

And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

The Happiest Day

It was early May, I think
a moment of lilac or dogwood
when so many promises are made
it hardly matters if a few are broken.

My mother and father still hovered
in the background, part of the scenery
like the houses I had grown up in,
and if they would be torn down later
that was something I knew
but didn't believe.

Our children were asleep
or playing, the youngest as new
as the new smell of the lilacs,
and how could I have guessed
their roots were shallow
and would be easily transplanted.

I didn't even guess that I was happy.

The small irritations that are like salt
on melon were what I dwelt on,
though in truth they simply
made the fruit taste sweeter.

So we sat on the porch
in the cool morning, sipping
hot coffee. Behind the news of the day--
strikes and small wars, a fire somewhere--
I could see the top of your dark head
and thought not of public conflagrations
but of how it would feel on my bare shoulder.

If someone could stop the camera then...
if someone could only stop the camera
and ask me: are you happy?
perhaps I would have noticed
how the morning shone in the reflected
color of lilac. Yes, I might have said
and offered a steaming cup of coffee

Walking In Memphis

Put on my blue suede shoes
And I boarded the plane
Touched down in the land of the Delta Blues
In the middle of the pouring rain
W.C. Handy -- won't you look down over me
Cause I got a first class ticket
But I'm as blue as a boy can be

Walking in Memphis
Walking with my feet ten feet off of the Beale
Walking in Memphis
Do I really feel the way I feel

Saw the ghost of Elvis
On Union Avenue
Followed him up to the gates of Graceland
Then I watched him walk right through
Now security they did not see him
They just hovered 'round his tomb
But there's a pretty little thing
Waiting on the King
Down in the Jungle Room

(Chorus)

They've got catfish on the table
They've got gospel in the air
And Reverend Green be glad to see you
When you haven't got a prayer
But you got a prayer in Memphis

Now Muriel plays piano
Every Friday at the Hollywood
And they brought me down to see her
And they asked me if I would --
Do a little number
And I sang with all my might
And she said --
"Tell me are you a Christian child?"
And I said "Ma'am I am tonight"

(Chorus)

Put on my blue suede shoes
And I boarded the plane
Touched down in the land of the Delta Blues
In the middle of the pouring rain
Touched down in the land of the Delta Blues
In the middle of the pouring rain

Haunted

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Trailing

As we move, we leave bits and pieces behind. A smile, a frown, a laugh, some tears. These can all be left behind in our wake. 

What do you leave behind?

Invisible

I want to dance and not be invisible.

The trees are still and calm but I am moving and fluid.

I want to be red in a sea of green and brown.

I want...

I want.

Breathe

There is beauty all around us. Breathe it in.

Just breathe.

Great

I want to make a great speech. I want it to be moving and funny; inspiring but not preachy; and clever but still solemn. I want it to hit home. I want to convey so many things; I want to talk about struggle and triumph, life and love, and home and family. 

But all I can think of tonight is how I hate this oddly growing subculture that is developing all around me. I think we have become a generation of complainers. We glamorize pain and anger to the point where all we do is complain. We thrive on the attention; on the sympathy it brings. 

It is pathetic. Pathetic and stupid. Being happy is not due to circumstance; it is a conscious decision a person should make on a regular basis. 

There are times in our lives that will require great sadness and anger. A death of a loved one, a loss of a great human figure, a life-altering injury. But those things are, thankfully, very few and far between. We cast a shadow on the days that we have to be happy with passionate complaints over a mistaken drink order, a careless driver, or a trivial argument with a family member. We are choosing to miss out on the best days of our lives. We are choosing to ignore all we have because we would rather be angry or sad. We would rather the satisfying attention and sympathy gained from an idle complaint than to to truly enjoy the days we have here on this Earth.

We are wasting our lives. We are not so much letting each moment that could hold so much joy pass us by as we are forcing any joy we might feel out of hearts in order to find that one, small, faint shadow of a complaint that we can grab hold of and allow it to carry up through our day. A dreary, gloomy cloud we choose to be, because that is what will bring us the most attention.

Pathetic. Sad and unbelievably stupid. 

What great fools we have become.

[G Image search for Great}

Purple

Picked up my cap and gown today. Apparently purple is the color of jurisprudence. 

Who knew?

Lightning

May flowers are opening

And leaves unfolding free;

There are bees in every blossom

And birds on every tree.

The sun is gladly shining,

The stream sings merrily,

And I only am pining

And all is dark to me.

O cold, cold is my heart!

It will not, cannot rise;

It feels no sympathy 

With those refulgent skies.

Dead, deas is my joy,

I long to be at rest;

I wish the damp earth covered

This desolate breast.

If I were quite alone,

It might not be so drear,

When all hope was gone;

At least I could not fear.

But the glad eyes around me

Must weep as mine have done,

And I must see the same gloom

Eclipse their morning sun.

If heaven would rain on me

That future storm of care,

So their fond hearts were free

I'd be content to bear.

Alas! As lightning withers

The young and aged tree,

Both they and I shall fall beneath

The fate we cannot flee. 

{G Image search for Lightning}

Broken Wing

In dungeons dark I cannot sing,

In sorrow's thrall 'tis hard to smile:

What bird can soar with broken wing?

What heart can bleed and joy the while?

{G Image search for Broken Wing}

Emily Bronte

Now that law school is over (fingers crossed since grades aren't released until Friday), I have time to do some pleasure reading. I recently picked up a dusty collection of poetry from Emily Bronte that I have had on my shelf for months. 

I know her most famous work is Wuthering Heights, and I have actually never read it. Bad English major, I know. But I think her poetry is lovely, and very sadly overlooked by the majority of classic literature readers.

Some of my favorite passages:

Alas! as lightning withers 

The young and aged tree,

Both they and I shall fall beneath

The fate we cannot flee

---

The damp strands in the long, green grass

As thick as morning's tears;

And dreamy scents of fragrance pass

That breathe of other years.

---

They weep- you weep- it must be so;

Winds sigh as you are sighing;

And Winter pours its grief in snow

Where Autumn's leaves are lying.

Yet they revive, and from their fate

Your fate cannot be parted,

Then journey onward, not elate,

But never broken-hearted. 

{G Image search for Emily Bronte gave the image above}

Lemonade

I want to like lemonade more than I do. I wouldn't be able to drink tap water without the Crystal Light lemonade flavoring in it, so that's good. I just don't enjoy the taste so much. I'm not sure why. But drinking more water =  always good. I really need to stay hydrated. I don't drink nearly enough water. It's gotten to the point where my hands hurt in the shower because my palms become so dry. Sad, I know.

I need to do more of the Vaseline with gloves on routine, but it's so difficult to cover up any more of my body than absolutely necessary in this heat. Wearing gloves seems so stifling and puts a damper on my rest. Bleh. 

I like this picture though. Suitable for the way the weather has been lately. Bright and cheery. Too hot, but cheery.

{G Image search for Lemonade gave the above result}

Kelly Clarkson

Just got her new CD for the birthday. Not bad so far; need a few more listens before I can really make a solid comment on it. Doesn't seem like it has a solid ballad on it though, which I really miss. I love her ballads.

I really like this picure of her. She has gained crazy weight lately, poor thing. But she still rocks it.

{G Image Search for Kelly Clarkson, obvs}

Birthday

Turned 25 yesterday. Happy Birthday to me.

So much to celebrate. Trying to focus on that and not on all the things I have to worry about.

{G Image search for Birthday gave above result}

Screwed

I am so screwed.

Control

I am losing control. I am terrified. There are some days when I feel like I can't lift my head up from this downward spiral.

It's a mad sinking feeling; forever heading down, and I am about to hit the bottom.

Help.

Work

It feels good to have work. I like knowing there is a job waiting for me after finals are done. Though the pay is paltry; it is a job. And it will pay the rent for the next few months.

After that, well. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

{G Image search for Work yielded the photo above}

Finality

Oh, finals. They strike fear in the hearts of students everywhere. Such a strong connotation of finality in the word. It is the final opportunity to prove your worth, after all.

You go in, type or write as fast as you can for one hour, two hours, three hours. You leave it all on the paper, on the screen. You pour out everything you have forcefully stuffed into your brain.

Then you wait a few days, weeks. Nervous and awful waiting. Until you get the results.

Then you cry or smile. Or just sigh and be satisfied with being mediocre.

Are you worth more than most people? Less? Or are you just ordinary in every possible way?

What is your worth?

What is mine?

{Image found doing a G Image search for Finality}

Upward

After the past few weekends, things must start looking upward in my relationship. They just...must.

I am severely depressed today. But tomorrow will be better. I have decided this; it will happen.

Time to sleep away the sadness.

G Image search for Upward result above.

Exhausted

I have been outlining for Copyright Law since I got home from work. Short breaks here and there, but now it is almost 3:30 am. I have been up since 6 am. I am exhausted. I am very nearly done and am making constant typing mistakes; so I think this is a good time to stop and call it a night.

In the midst of all the cases and law I am combing through tonight, I find myself often wondering why people in my life are not more supportive of me. I hate being distracted from studying with sad, nagging thoughts like that.

Sleep now. Hopefully my a few hours rest will clear my mind.

(Image found when G Image searching for Exhausted)

Suspicious

We are all guilty of acting, perhaps, not as well as we should in the face of of what we consider suspicious activity.

I think I used to be much better at it. I would resist the urge to lash out; to retaliate. But now, I think my tolerance of it has worn over time. I let myself act in the same way; tell myself turnabout is fair play. I engage in questionable activity in the face of questionable activity.

I still think I am blameless. I still believe I have endured far more than any one person should have to endure. It is embarassing at times, how much I have tried to forgive and how much I have been repeatedly hurt. If coping with further unseemly behavior now requires me to also act less than honorably, then I accept that. I find no fault with that.

Image found doing a G Image search for Suspicious.

I Do Not Love You

By Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Study Or Die

The next few days are going to be madness. I have to get a third of my copyright outline done, because that is the part I must do for my study group. Must be done by Friday; however, I had work all day today and I have work all day tomorrow. Which means I will probably be up most of Thursday night getting it done. Ah well. Being in the study group does mean I get some hook-ups when it comes to outlines for other classes, so I suppose it was a good idea. Just have to outline like a madwoman tonight and tomorrow.

I also need to drive into town this weekend. I wanted to watch Wolverine; but being that I have no money I will have to wait and see if the guy is willing to foot the bill. Having no money sucks. A lot.

Moving on. This weekend I also have to help my mom send out many of my graduation party invitations (which will take forever), I have to get all of my outlining out of the way for my other classes, and I have to get the last of my hours done for the clinic. Ha. I don't think much of that is going to happen. I just don't have time for it all.

I would love to take another day off of work tomorrow, but I need the money. Car insurance, electricity bill, phone bill...these things do not take a pause in respect for finals.

But, such is life. I will endure. I will make it.

It will all be over before I know it.

(Image above found when G Image searching for Study)

Finished

I finished my last law school class today. I feel excited, though it was mainly anticlimactic. Presented a case during my last class, of course. Now I have to worry about finals, finishing hours for my clinic, and taking care of loan things to see if I can afford to take the bar.

Most likely I will have to wait until February for the bar. I don't think it's such a big deal, but people around me seem very worried about it. "What do you mean, you're waiting?"

Yes, calm down. Waiting a few more months doesn't seem like such a big deal when I've gone through three years of torture. I've seen pictures of my friends having fun without me, heard my mom talk about my kid brother growing up, missed my grandmother's 85th birthday party, and lost so much time with my friends and family. I've done my time. I want to have my time be mine again.

If I have to wait, then I have to wait.

Besides, I could use a break after what the past three years have put me through.

(Image above found during G Image search for Finish)

Some Job

I was offered a job today. A full-time, grown-up, benefits package and vacation time job. I am happy about it, yeah, but it requires me staying here. And I would so much rather have gone home.

But, what can you do? I would be happier if the pay was more reasonable. I was making more than they offered when I worked during undergrad. I have decided to take it. And I have decided to continue my search. I am calling it my "in the meantime" job. I do really like it, I've been working there part-time for a couple of months. I like the people. I like the atmosphere.

It's sad, how it all comes down to the dollars, isn't it?

Dinner by the River

Took this with my phone while eating dinner by the river with the guy. Not bad for a Blackberry picture.

Dinner was good and old Sac was pretty charming. It is a very small pocket though, certainly not nearly as extensive as Fisherman's Wharf in SF. But still, it was a lovely time. Great view, yummy dinner, good guy. Where could I go wrong?

I am lucky.

Scary Wind

It is scary windy outside. Windows rattling. Always makes me nervous; sounds like someone is trying to break in. *Shudder*

This picture is from searching Scary Wind on G Images.

Haha- love this song and vid. Beginning is the best. Ending is kinda meh.

Don't trust a hoe!

(Yes, I did that on purpose.)

Found this image when I searched for Bitter Girl.

Just got back from class. 23 more days until graduation. Then I get to look desperately for a full time job with reasonable pay. I have been sending out 5-10 applications a day for about two weeks. No responses.

I picked a great time to graduate. Sigh. Bitter.

Sober

I loved this song when I first heard it; the video just makes me love it more.

There is a bite in the breeze today. It's just a bit too cold to be comfortable. It also has the bothersome side effect of blowing the pollen around, which wreaks havoc on my allergies. Le sigh.

Just got back from a quick grocery run. I have about 2o dollars left for gas until mid-May. If I spend more than that I won't be able to make rent, so this food has to last me a while.

Hopefully my guest won't eat all of this food when he comes to visit on the weekend.

We were debating making a trip out the Old Sacramento on Saturday. I hear it's a cute touristy spot, and after three years of living here I suppose I should try to see what the city has to offer before I move on again.

If it goes exceptionally well, I will try to take some pictures.

Late Night

Relationships are terrible for my sleeping schedule. When single, I think I get at least three or four more hours of sleep a night. In relationships, I get maybe five a night. I don't feel too poorly throughout the day, but I fear it will age me prematurely. They do say drinking water and getting lots of sleep helps with having an overall youthful appearance.

Or maybe I am too superficial? I worry about wrinkles.

There's that word again. Worry. I'll try to stop. =)

Every other Wednesday is Wes' turn to bring lunch at work. This is a day I enjoy for several reasons:

1. He doesn't cook, like me, so I feel better about my lunches when compared to his

2. He always order Chinese food, which I love

3. Chinese food fills me up and keeps me full the rest of the day

4. There are always leftovers, which are always given to me because people at work know I don't cook and take pity on me and my sad fridge, so yay!

And that is why I enjoy every other Wednesday.

Okay, bed time for me. Have to try to get a good amount of REM tonight.

Here's hoping my dreams will be good.

I am a huge worrier and since the age of 17 have been prone to panic attacks. I can feel them coming, and I still remember the first day I had one.

I was at school, as most horror stories begin, and was worried about a math class I was taking. The teacher very clearly hated me, and for a girl who took honors classes and bonded with teachers during class, his hatred was upsetting and confusing. He had been giving me a very undeserved C and had told me that I just failed a recent test, thus lowering my grade to a D. Conveniently, when later confronted by my mother and the principal, my test was nowhere to be found. But, I digress.

I was sitting in another one of my classes and began to sweat. Worry worry worry. I had never gotten a C in my life, much less a D. My college hopes would be ruined. I would have no future. I would end up working at the mall for the rest of my life. Worry worry worry.

I started to feel short of breath and light-headed. I raised my hand and asked to see the school nurse. After sitting in the nurse's office for a few minutes I started breathing too quickly. I was scared and started crying. She was telling me to calm down but I couldn't seem to get enough air into my lungs. I wanted to sob, but there was no air available in the room. She laid me down and called the school cop.

Then my limbs started seizing up. My arms went stiff around me and I couldn't spread my fingers out. They had involuntarily curled into a fist and wouldn't move. My legs were curled under me and I couldn't move them.

The paramedics were called.

I was given an oxygen mask and some sort of injection. My mother was called, and she channeled her terror into anger over my situation with the math teacher, which she knew full well about.

She demanded to see the principal; she threatened legal action if she was ignored. Within a day I was pulled from the math class. That year the math teacher left, due to complaints from the parents of two other students.

I was taken to my doctor immediately after I regained use of my legs. She told me it was a panic attack. No medication, because it wasn't constant or debilitating. I just had to stop worrying.

I hate math to this day.

And now, I have to work constantly to stop worrying. I worry about worrying too much. It disturbs my sleep, gives me stomach cramps and the occasional sobbing fit.

Who knew an internal conversation could create such an issue.

I love this picture. Something about the red shoes and the rustic background. Reminds me of a simpler, younger time. Before school, relationships, jobs, relocating, student loans, discovering alcohol and a slowing metabolism.

It seems like it's taken at the bittersweet age when youth begins the process of drifting away.

You shed a small piece of it every day you are alive.

Did a search for crushing heat on Google Image. The squirrel is one of the results.

Got woken up the other day by men stomping on my roof. At first I thought it was ghosts, because that of course is the normal person's first reaction to stomping on the roof, is it not?

But it turned out to be much less dramatic. My landlord came knocking a few moments later to further disturb my sleep and tell me that the roof was being re-done and that moving my car was required because the ladder just HAD to be moved to the exact spot my car was on.

Sure. But being stared at creepily by men who I doubt showered that morning is not a good start to the day. Not at all.