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You're Not There

It's easier now

To pretend you're not there.

Ignore ignore ignore.

And without you here or there, I believe what I think.

There is no one here

To change my mind.

It is dangerous, this gift.

This Is What I Don't Love You Feels Like

So this is how it ends
This is where it all goes down
This is what "I don't love you" feels like

It ain't the middle of the night
And it ain't even raining outside
It ain't exactly what I had in mind
For goodbye

At a red light in the sunshine
On a Sunday
Nothin' to say
Don't even try

Some are comin' home
Some are leavin' town
While my world's crashin' down
On a Sunday
In the sunshine
At a red light

I thought she was gonna say
Somethin' about that couple kissin'
Crossin' the street
Or somethin' about this beautiful day

But she just looked me in the eye
Said it's over
Didn't try to lie
Or pick a fight
I might have seen it comin' thata way

But at a red light in the sunshine
On a Sunday
Nothin' to say
Don't even try

Some are comin' home
Some are leavin' town
While my world's crashin' down
On a Sunday
In the sunshine
At a red light

There's a momma calmin' down a little baby
In the backseat in front of me
There's an old man dressed in his Sunday best
Just waitin' on green
But I can't see, gettin' past

This red light
In the sunshine
On a Sunday
Nothin' to say
Don't even try

Some are comin' home
Some are leavin' town
While my world's crashin' down
On a Sunday in the sunshine
(at a red light)

At a red light in the sunshine
On a Sunday
Nothin' to say
Don't even try

Some are comin' home
Some are leavin' town
While my world's crashin' down
On a Sunday
In the sunshine
At a red light

Let Go

And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

The Happiest Day

It was early May, I think
a moment of lilac or dogwood
when so many promises are made
it hardly matters if a few are broken.

My mother and father still hovered
in the background, part of the scenery
like the houses I had grown up in,
and if they would be torn down later
that was something I knew
but didn't believe.

Our children were asleep
or playing, the youngest as new
as the new smell of the lilacs,
and how could I have guessed
their roots were shallow
and would be easily transplanted.

I didn't even guess that I was happy.

The small irritations that are like salt
on melon were what I dwelt on,
though in truth they simply
made the fruit taste sweeter.

So we sat on the porch
in the cool morning, sipping
hot coffee. Behind the news of the day--
strikes and small wars, a fire somewhere--
I could see the top of your dark head
and thought not of public conflagrations
but of how it would feel on my bare shoulder.

If someone could stop the camera then...
if someone could only stop the camera
and ask me: are you happy?
perhaps I would have noticed
how the morning shone in the reflected
color of lilac. Yes, I might have said
and offered a steaming cup of coffee

Walking In Memphis

Put on my blue suede shoes
And I boarded the plane
Touched down in the land of the Delta Blues
In the middle of the pouring rain
W.C. Handy -- won't you look down over me
Cause I got a first class ticket
But I'm as blue as a boy can be

Walking in Memphis
Walking with my feet ten feet off of the Beale
Walking in Memphis
Do I really feel the way I feel

Saw the ghost of Elvis
On Union Avenue
Followed him up to the gates of Graceland
Then I watched him walk right through
Now security they did not see him
They just hovered 'round his tomb
But there's a pretty little thing
Waiting on the King
Down in the Jungle Room

(Chorus)

They've got catfish on the table
They've got gospel in the air
And Reverend Green be glad to see you
When you haven't got a prayer
But you got a prayer in Memphis

Now Muriel plays piano
Every Friday at the Hollywood
And they brought me down to see her
And they asked me if I would --
Do a little number
And I sang with all my might
And she said --
"Tell me are you a Christian child?"
And I said "Ma'am I am tonight"

(Chorus)

Put on my blue suede shoes
And I boarded the plane
Touched down in the land of the Delta Blues
In the middle of the pouring rain
Touched down in the land of the Delta Blues
In the middle of the pouring rain

Haunted

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Trailing

As we move, we leave bits and pieces behind. A smile, a frown, a laugh, some tears. These can all be left behind in our wake. 

What do you leave behind?

Invisible

I want to dance and not be invisible.

The trees are still and calm but I am moving and fluid.

I want to be red in a sea of green and brown.

I want...

I want.

Breathe

There is beauty all around us. Breathe it in.

Just breathe.

Great

I want to make a great speech. I want it to be moving and funny; inspiring but not preachy; and clever but still solemn. I want it to hit home. I want to convey so many things; I want to talk about struggle and triumph, life and love, and home and family. 

But all I can think of tonight is how I hate this oddly growing subculture that is developing all around me. I think we have become a generation of complainers. We glamorize pain and anger to the point where all we do is complain. We thrive on the attention; on the sympathy it brings. 

It is pathetic. Pathetic and stupid. Being happy is not due to circumstance; it is a conscious decision a person should make on a regular basis. 

There are times in our lives that will require great sadness and anger. A death of a loved one, a loss of a great human figure, a life-altering injury. But those things are, thankfully, very few and far between. We cast a shadow on the days that we have to be happy with passionate complaints over a mistaken drink order, a careless driver, or a trivial argument with a family member. We are choosing to miss out on the best days of our lives. We are choosing to ignore all we have because we would rather be angry or sad. We would rather the satisfying attention and sympathy gained from an idle complaint than to to truly enjoy the days we have here on this Earth.

We are wasting our lives. We are not so much letting each moment that could hold so much joy pass us by as we are forcing any joy we might feel out of hearts in order to find that one, small, faint shadow of a complaint that we can grab hold of and allow it to carry up through our day. A dreary, gloomy cloud we choose to be, because that is what will bring us the most attention.

Pathetic. Sad and unbelievably stupid. 

What great fools we have become.

[G Image search for Great}

Purple

Picked up my cap and gown today. Apparently purple is the color of jurisprudence. 

Who knew?

Lightning

May flowers are opening

And leaves unfolding free;

There are bees in every blossom

And birds on every tree.

The sun is gladly shining,

The stream sings merrily,

And I only am pining

And all is dark to me.

O cold, cold is my heart!

It will not, cannot rise;

It feels no sympathy 

With those refulgent skies.

Dead, deas is my joy,

I long to be at rest;

I wish the damp earth covered

This desolate breast.

If I were quite alone,

It might not be so drear,

When all hope was gone;

At least I could not fear.

But the glad eyes around me

Must weep as mine have done,

And I must see the same gloom

Eclipse their morning sun.

If heaven would rain on me

That future storm of care,

So their fond hearts were free

I'd be content to bear.

Alas! As lightning withers

The young and aged tree,

Both they and I shall fall beneath

The fate we cannot flee. 

{G Image search for Lightning}

Broken Wing

In dungeons dark I cannot sing,

In sorrow's thrall 'tis hard to smile:

What bird can soar with broken wing?

What heart can bleed and joy the while?

{G Image search for Broken Wing}

Emily Bronte

Now that law school is over (fingers crossed since grades aren't released until Friday), I have time to do some pleasure reading. I recently picked up a dusty collection of poetry from Emily Bronte that I have had on my shelf for months. 

I know her most famous work is Wuthering Heights, and I have actually never read it. Bad English major, I know. But I think her poetry is lovely, and very sadly overlooked by the majority of classic literature readers.

Some of my favorite passages:

Alas! as lightning withers 

The young and aged tree,

Both they and I shall fall beneath

The fate we cannot flee

---

The damp strands in the long, green grass

As thick as morning's tears;

And dreamy scents of fragrance pass

That breathe of other years.

---

They weep- you weep- it must be so;

Winds sigh as you are sighing;

And Winter pours its grief in snow

Where Autumn's leaves are lying.

Yet they revive, and from their fate

Your fate cannot be parted,

Then journey onward, not elate,

But never broken-hearted. 

{G Image search for Emily Bronte gave the image above}

Lemonade

I want to like lemonade more than I do. I wouldn't be able to drink tap water without the Crystal Light lemonade flavoring in it, so that's good. I just don't enjoy the taste so much. I'm not sure why. But drinking more water =  always good. I really need to stay hydrated. I don't drink nearly enough water. It's gotten to the point where my hands hurt in the shower because my palms become so dry. Sad, I know.

I need to do more of the Vaseline with gloves on routine, but it's so difficult to cover up any more of my body than absolutely necessary in this heat. Wearing gloves seems so stifling and puts a damper on my rest. Bleh. 

I like this picture though. Suitable for the way the weather has been lately. Bright and cheery. Too hot, but cheery.

{G Image search for Lemonade gave the above result}

Kelly Clarkson

Just got her new CD for the birthday. Not bad so far; need a few more listens before I can really make a solid comment on it. Doesn't seem like it has a solid ballad on it though, which I really miss. I love her ballads.

I really like this picure of her. She has gained crazy weight lately, poor thing. But she still rocks it.

{G Image Search for Kelly Clarkson, obvs}

Birthday

Turned 25 yesterday. Happy Birthday to me.

So much to celebrate. Trying to focus on that and not on all the things I have to worry about.

{G Image search for Birthday gave above result}

Screwed

I am so screwed.